Posted by: clearspaces60 | June 22, 2017

Embracing the Resistance

At the beginning of this year, I made a commitment to myself and to my blog followers, to post on the 11th of each month as a minimum.  I have failed to do so these last two months.  Is anyone clamoring for me to keep this promise?  Not really, unless you count the mean-spirited editor voice in my head.

You know that voice, the one that chastises you for not keeping your commitments and then doubles down by telling you that you have no business writing, no one wants to hear from you anyway.  Nothing you write is good, it’s all crap.  Perhaps your voice talks to you about a different subject, but I think the theme song is the same.

Over the years I have quieted down this voice to a mere annoyance, realizing that it is part of the human experience, as most of my friends deal with the same thing.  As far we know, animals to do not deal with this. From birds to whales, I have never seen one look conflicted or distraught or hesitant to act or express themselves.

This year I wanted to focus more on the calling of my Soul.  What is it that I want to do?  How do I want to treat my physical body? In what ways can I express myself more creatively?  I decided to spend a cumulative hour nearly every day in spiritual practice, physical exercise, visualizing, writing, creating and whatever else feeds these questions.

A collective 60 minutes is my goal.  I have had some success with this practice along with acknowledging myself for things I did accomplish or situations that I dreaded but faced anyway.  I learned this technique from Rhonda Britten’s book, Change Your Life In 30 Days.  It really helps combat that voice.  But as I kept up both practices, this voice kept getting louder and louder, thoughts, fears and beliefs from my whole life would pop up.  Stuff I thought I had healed, resolved or at least was aware of and had dealt with in some way.  I do know that this is Shadow work (thank you Debbie Ford for The Dark Side of the Light Chasers) and that you are never done with it.

However, it became quite intense on May 11th, the day I had committed to post on my blog, and my grandmother’s birthday, she would have been 105.  I was missing her terribly that day and all the wonderful qualities she possessed and modeled without every criticizing or belittling me.  She worked hard, sometimes held two jobs while taking care of my dad and grandfather, often along with other relatives. She was organized but not a perfectionist.  She may not always have had everything she needed, but she used everything she had.  She was a great cook and handled the bills and paperwork.  She also marveled at the choices and opportunities that her granddaughters had and supported each of us in her own way.  Then I remembered something else, she was always amazed and appreciated the way I would organize her closet after she was no longer able to do so. I would say, “Grandma, your closets were always neat and organized, I must have learned it from you.”   I have helped a few other people with their closets and I love it.  I am not a professional organizer, I feel like I approach it in a different way, with fun and feeling!

All that day I was thinking, you need to post something, anything, it doesn’t have to be great, just check in, tell everyone what is going on with you.  Why is this so hard? I have a great life, I was under a self-imposed deadline.  What was up with all the procrastination and self-sabotage?  Well that voice was on rapid fire with its list of things I was– lazy, ungrateful, selfish, procrastinator, failure, daydreamer, fraud, loser, weak, pathetic, and was not– successful, writer, blogger, organized, educated, knowledgeable and had anything worthy to say.

I have spent a great deal of time lately unraveling the guilt and lack of self-worth that came on full force that day.  It has been healing and revealing because as you TRULY focus on what your soul is calling you to do, the resistance comes on just as strong.  But this resistance is not something to battle, it is something to embrace and comfort.  I don’t know whether it is your inner child, shadow, ego, psycho or a demon you possess, but being kind and compassionate is the key.  Loving this voice and embracing its strength, conviction and tenacity not to mention its complete lack of procrastination and changing its messages to what you want to hear is absolutely worth the work!

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